Reflections....

As I approach the halfway point of this deployment, I realize that I have learned a lot about myself through this experience.  While I will never say I have loved these 3 months, I will see that I have valued the lessons they have taught me.

1) I am so much stronger than I ever anticipated. Before Bruce left, the number of times I have slept by myself (anywhere, ever), was probably under 20 times. I have always lived with either my parents, a roommate, etc. Which I appreciated, because I am jumpy- the air coming on at night, and I am convinced we are being robbed. And, I don't react well to that either- I grab my cell phone (to call 911) and the remote controll (to use as a weapon) and go investigate the house.  I know, probably not the best plan. However, I have learned to "talk myself down." I try not to freak out nearly as much- otherwise, I would be freaked out constantly. Beyond the getting controll of my skidishness, I realize I can handle a lot, emotionally. I have handled Caroline being sick several times, doctor's appointments, grocery shopping with a toddler, etc and to be honest, I am proud of myself.

2) I have learned that I am a people person. The biggest struggle of this deployment is the overwhelming feeling of lonliness.  Caroline goes to bed around 6:40, which doesn't give me much time to go spend time with friends.  Sitting at home, all alone, every evening, weighs on you. I am slowly learning to cope with this.  I am trying to stay busy working on school stuff, blog writing, blog reading, etc. But, I will be very excited to have my perma-friend back :)

3) Caroline is able to go and do SO much more than I ever anticipated. I used to feel like I was going to have a panic attack taking C out to eat.  I just knew she would lose her mind out in public. Now, that I have to go and do things, and C doesn't have the option of staying home with Daddy. But, C and I are learning to go and do because we don't have a choice.  She has amazed me beyond words!

4) I love my career. (I know, what does that have to do with B's deployment?) To be honest, I have thrown myself into my teaching more than ever before.  It truly goes to say, what you put in, you get out. So far, this has been the most rewarding year, yet, of my 5 years. I love my students, my colleagues and actually having students beg me to read more and to do this or that activity again. I truly feel valued.

5) I realize that I need "me time." Before Bruce left, I would feel horribly guilty anytime I left Caroline if it wasn't a "have to" aka I had to go to work. But, I have come to realize it isn't about the quantity of time, it is the qualiity of time. If taking an evening to myself makes me a more energetic and less stressed out momma- it is better for everyone.

All in all (I won't bore you with more life lessons), I feel like I have learned so much about myself and my relationship with Caroline. But, enough of the reflection time, COME HOME BRUCE :) Your girls miss you!